A Letter to my Freshman Self

 Dear freshman me,

It’s currently January 31, 2015 and that means that it’s been about a month and a half since you graduated from college. Right now, there are a lot of things I wish I did, or didn’t do, depending on the situation.

Go through recruitment now instead of next spring so that you can spend more time in your chapter and with the girls who will become your best friends. Those “friends” from freshman year, I know it may not be what you want to hear, but none of those friendships will truly last. Once in a while you’ll see the people you came to know but they aren’t going to be the truest of the true. That best friend of yours that talked you into coming to college here instead of the school you really wanted to, your friendship didn’t last through your first semester, but don’t worry because things will get better.

Freshman me, you’re going to want to do a lot of things, but always keep your future in mind. Think ahead and don’t ever forget where you want to go, no matter what you have to do to get there. Work hard, pull all nighters if you have to, but NEVER give up on your dreams. Right now, in spring of 2011, you’ve officially switched over to Criminal Justice and I promise you that you’ll fall in love with it. 22 year old you still dreams of becoming an FBI agent one day, so strive towards that, okay? You’re only 18, but be responsible!

As for those boys who broke your heart, don’t pay any attention to them because I can promise you that, once again, the best is yet to come. The summer of 2014, you’ll meet the one that’ll make you forget that anyone else is in the world. When you meet him, you’ll immediately know because he won’t come into your life quietly. He’ll obnoxiously message you telling you that he thinks you’re beautiful and you’ll bond over Marvel and everything nerdy. He’ll call you beautiful and princess and he’ll always listen to you and give you advice, no matter what your problem is.  He’ll be the one that listens to you and makes attempts to care about everything that’s happening in your life. Make sure you love him every single day and love him as hard as you can, because when you least expect it, you’ll wake up to a message that’ll change your world. I won’t be nice about it because you should be prepared, especially because I wasn’t. A drunk driver is how he met his untimely demise and you’ll feel like you’re dying. Heck…it’s 4 months later and I still feel like I’m dying inside but guess what, you’ll have your three best friends.

These girls have been there for you no matter what. You met one in February 2012 and the other two in September 2012. You may not know it when you meet them, but you’ll end up being inseparable. These are the girls who take you hiking and go with you to the restaurant you’ve wanted to go to since you moved here for college.

You’re probably wondering what 22 year old you is doing now and to be honest, you’re sitting at your room at your parents house in your hometown. Trust me, freshman me,  you have a job that you LOVE and you didn’t give that up, even for another job in another state that paid twice as much. When you’re looking through internships, you’ll know in your heart where you’re supposed to be.

18 year old me, hug your parents every day and call your grandparents to tell them hi and that you love them at least three times a week. They’re still here and doing well, but just let them know that you appreciate them and all they’ve done for you. You’ll pay it back to them when you graduate in December 2015.

That’s all for me. I’ve given you a lot of hints, but you have to write your own story and be your own person.

Good luck, freshman version of me. You’re going to be successful.

Xoxo,

22 year old, UCCS graduate version of me.

Don't Forget to Say "I Love You!"

When we go to sleep each night, we never think that we'll never talk to someone again. We're always expecting to wake up in our perfect worlds and talk to the people that mean the most of us, never thinking for a single second that something could happen in a blink of an eye that could take them away from us forever.

On Monday, October 6th, I woke up to some of the worst news I could have ever gotten. I woke up to find a message saying that a guy I was involved with was in a car accident late Sunday night on his way home from work. After being hit by a drunk driver, he fought for about 36 hours until I heard the following day from a friend of his that he had passed away.

The worst part of all of this is that he lived in Boston. Unfortunately, hopping on a plane isn't the easiest or cheapest thing to do, so I had to suffer from a distance. I couldn't visit the hospital and I couldn't go to any services. 

To say that I was devastated is the understatement of the century. I didn't eat for days, I didn't go to classes, and when I could actually fall asleep, I cried myself to sleep. I was and still am miserable but I know that he would want me to continue with my life. Doing that is easier said than done but I've done it. 

I'm not saying any of this to gain sympathy from anybody, I'm saying it because it's what I feel on a daily basis. I feel my heart aching every single day and it aches down to the pit of my stomach. 

I miss him. I miss the sweet messages and all of the laughs and smiles he brought to my life. I miss talking until the early hours of the morning. I miss us talking about the geekiest things ever. I miss everything about him. 

The days preceding his death, I was being a complete brat and I know he wasn't happy with me. They always say never go to sleep or leave the house angry or upset. Well, he was working and I'll never know if he was upset with me or not when he passed away.

When you meet a certain person, you know immediately if they're meant to stay in your life or not. I know that he was meant to. He was only 23 and still full of life and he wasn't supposed to leave. 

Losing somebody you love is never easy. He knew everything about me, even the secrets kept in the deepest places of my soul. I can, without a doubt, say that I loved him with every piece of my heart. 

The day of his death, I had a meeting that I couldn't skip and after being there for only a few minutes, my sisters started showing up to the meeting (and my apartment that night)  with flowers, cookies, starbucks, cards, chocolate, and their unconditional love. Though my heart is still broken from the loss of this truly amazing man, the love and support that my sisters have shown me has been amazing and I am truly thankful to be apart of my sisterhood. 

Goodbyes make you realize a lot. They make you realize what you had and what you took for granted. Goodbyes are never easy. 

When you love somebody, you'd better tell them because you never know when you'll be talking to them for the last time. You never know when your world could be turned upside down and your heart be broken. If you love somebody, tell them and hold them tight because my biggest regret was that I didn't.


I may have lost the greatest love I've ever known but I've gained the greatest guardian angel.