Don't Forget to Say "I Love You!"

When we go to sleep each night, we never think that we'll never talk to someone again. We're always expecting to wake up in our perfect worlds and talk to the people that mean the most of us, never thinking for a single second that something could happen in a blink of an eye that could take them away from us forever.

On Monday, October 6th, I woke up to some of the worst news I could have ever gotten. I woke up to find a message saying that a guy I was involved with was in a car accident late Sunday night on his way home from work. After being hit by a drunk driver, he fought for about 36 hours until I heard the following day from a friend of his that he had passed away.

The worst part of all of this is that he lived in Boston. Unfortunately, hopping on a plane isn't the easiest or cheapest thing to do, so I had to suffer from a distance. I couldn't visit the hospital and I couldn't go to any services. 

To say that I was devastated is the understatement of the century. I didn't eat for days, I didn't go to classes, and when I could actually fall asleep, I cried myself to sleep. I was and still am miserable but I know that he would want me to continue with my life. Doing that is easier said than done but I've done it. 

I'm not saying any of this to gain sympathy from anybody, I'm saying it because it's what I feel on a daily basis. I feel my heart aching every single day and it aches down to the pit of my stomach. 

I miss him. I miss the sweet messages and all of the laughs and smiles he brought to my life. I miss talking until the early hours of the morning. I miss us talking about the geekiest things ever. I miss everything about him. 

The days preceding his death, I was being a complete brat and I know he wasn't happy with me. They always say never go to sleep or leave the house angry or upset. Well, he was working and I'll never know if he was upset with me or not when he passed away.

When you meet a certain person, you know immediately if they're meant to stay in your life or not. I know that he was meant to. He was only 23 and still full of life and he wasn't supposed to leave. 

Losing somebody you love is never easy. He knew everything about me, even the secrets kept in the deepest places of my soul. I can, without a doubt, say that I loved him with every piece of my heart. 

The day of his death, I had a meeting that I couldn't skip and after being there for only a few minutes, my sisters started showing up to the meeting (and my apartment that night)  with flowers, cookies, starbucks, cards, chocolate, and their unconditional love. Though my heart is still broken from the loss of this truly amazing man, the love and support that my sisters have shown me has been amazing and I am truly thankful to be apart of my sisterhood. 

Goodbyes make you realize a lot. They make you realize what you had and what you took for granted. Goodbyes are never easy. 

When you love somebody, you'd better tell them because you never know when you'll be talking to them for the last time. You never know when your world could be turned upside down and your heart be broken. If you love somebody, tell them and hold them tight because my biggest regret was that I didn't.


I may have lost the greatest love I've ever known but I've gained the greatest guardian angel.

Sisters are Forever

First and foremost, I owe you all an update and I've always prided myself on the fact that I am truthful no matter what. So for all of you wonderful readers who shared my original posting, commented on it, commented on the blog, sent your well wishes and prayers...I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Hearing from sisters of mine, that friends of theirs had seen it and prayed for all of us, helps me know I have a God bigger then anything and a support team larger then I'll ever know. I wish I could say each day is getting a little easier, but I think all of us are still lost and shocked. Each day I drive through our little college town and while I wish I could smile as I picture each memory, for right now all it brings is tears. There are days when I wake up and forget everything, I go to class, come home, sit down, and realize this isn't a dream. But I know, eventually, we're all going to get through this, and I can't thank you enough or pray enough about how lucky I am that people are keeping us in their thoughts. 

For those of you who may not know what I'm referring to.... 

Two weeks ago, I wrote about the death and loss of my little. We always think our letters define us but in reality, any of these letters say one thing....we are a greek life family and we stand together in good times and in bad. Death in general is hard, death of someone young is even harder, and the death of someone who meant so much to you is a pain so deep that it is unexplainable. But I've written my piece about me, my struggles, and my love for my Brookie so thats not what I really want to write today.

What I want to write today is about what this experience has taught me about being a Kappa Kappa Gamma. In 2012, I ran down Greek Row, bid in hand, ready to walk into my new home. I never knew what life changes I would go through here, the tears this house would know, the laughs forever hidden in the walls of the rooms, and the secrets that were whispered in the halls. You think that bid means socials and parties, but it's far from that.

The day our chapter lost Brooke (a sister, a friend, my little) was one of the worst days we have been through, and although the rest of that day after I got the news is almost completely blacked out, I remember small tidbits of things that made me realize I was always meant to be a part of this chapter. New members, who hardly knew my name, sat on the floor in front of me just putting their hands on my knees to show they were there, older sisters were holding Brooke's friends as tight as they could (quiet tears running down their own faces, while they tried to keep their composure enough to be a source of strength), and dozens of others, just holding each other...unable to speak. The house was eerily silent for the number of us who were there, and yet you could feel so much love and care without a single word being said. The scene was something I will never forget and it's not exactly a good memory, but it's a picture that will always prove to me that together our sisterhood can conquer anything and get through all challenges.

I thought that the hardest part was over after I left the house that day, but a week later, The sisters who were able to attend Brooke's funeral, decided to sing one of our Kappa songs during the service. I wasn't sure how it would turn out because I myself could barely breathe much less sing, and as I looked around at my sisters their tears seemed to be neverending as well, but when the time came and we circled up on the altar in front of everyone, without a word, hands slipped into one another and together we gave our fallen Kappa girl once last honor. 

"Dream a while of Kappa ever true 

Dream of her, and she will be with you

Dream of friendships through the years 

Dream of days, their joys and tears. 

Now it's time that you and I must part 

So take this Dream and place it in your heart 

Keep it dear until the time, 

We will meet again." 

Through tears, heartache and some wrong pitches here and there, we got through it.

You might be wondering why I'm saying all of this. Because honestly, I can't spend the rest of my life dedicating each blog posting I do to my sweet little (although if we're being honest, I probably have enough crazy stories to do so) but there's a bigger point here. 

When you join that sorority, when you accept that bid and those letters, you never know what you will face in those 4 years and while I sincerely hope those years are filled with love and laughter, none of us can plan the future. But just do me a favor and look around at your sisters everyday, those ladies, who you may fight or argue with, feel different from, or have never really gotten to know, are going to be there to support you and vice versa for years to come. When it comes to the good days and the bad, I promise you, sisterhood triumphs all, and I know this from my own very raw and new experience.

We are so blessed to have our organizations in our lives and while somedays you may be so frustrated that it doesn't seem worth it anymore, just know they will always be there if you need them.

"And in the years after, with tears and with laughter, we'll always remember our dear Kappa days."

(My sisters and I gather on the porch at a memorial service in Brooke's honor, with over 200+ people there to support our chapter) 

Sweet Is The Voice of a Sister In The Season of Sorrow

 On my bid day, I was so excited I could barely run to the Kappa house. And just like all new members know, the time flies by. Before I knew it, I had a Big and a Grandbig and I couldn't wait to have a little of my own. I felt like I waited an eternity before we started recruitment, but we finally did....and I met her. 

She was beautiful, blonde, bubbly, funny, smart, determined,...literally the entire package. She was someone who other sororities would fight for and I wanted her from the moment I met her. When they read us the bid list, I screamed when I heard her name and when she came running to the house, I remember her basically jumping into my arms....we were officially sisters. 

It goes without saying that she became my perfect, precious little. We were inseparable. We had sleepovers, wine nights, family dinners, and more. We'd go to parties and socials, she'd borrow my clothes and I'd steal her scarves. We fought like a married couple, and I mean fought, we were both stubborn as hell but soon both of us would miss the other too much and cave. She was the perfect little and all I wanted was to be the perfect big. 

I'll be graduating soon and taking the next big steps in life. And when I think about my future, I think about her as my bridesmaid, being there when my children are born, seeing my kids grow and being apart of their lives. All of the things that any big and little pair hope for. 

But my dreams are now shattered. 

On September 12, 2014, I got the news that my precious wonderful little had passed away from an accident. She was 19 and had the world at her feet. I wanted those sentimental moments for myself but I also wanted her to include me in hers. I had pictured this future after college, and now....I'm lost. 

Nobody wants to ever think this would happen to them. During big/little reveal, you never think you are only going to get a year. I have been so angry that God would put someone so special in my life, someone who I loved so much, and then just rip them away from me. Because that's what happened.....but everything happens for a reason? 

My little had that hanging in her room on a canvas. "Everything happens for a reason" Well, I don't see that reason yet. But I do feel her around me everyday, slowly whispering to keep waking up and take some baby steps. So maybe I will believe that eventually, until then, I just have a void that I can't fill. And it feels like it hurts more everyday, but I trust that now I have an angel who is taking care of me. 

To my precious, wonderful, baby panda...rest sweetly and continue to be my sunshine. Be with me, because even though I'm supposed to always take care of you, I need you to take care of me and keep me going. I miss you more then you will ever possibly know. 

And for the rest of you, hug your littles. Squeeze them tight and never take one second for granted. They are our precious, little sorority babies and in one second, they can be gone. 

In honor of my Brookie 

1995-2014 

"I give you all my pandas"